Ok, it has been awhile. I haven’t updated on our trip to the Dells…full of drama, tears and laughter…and I will, along with some photos…but today lets talk about the holiday season and how I am feeling bah-hum-buggish…kinda.

Does anyone know what today is? Didn’t think so, because you all have more important things to worry about that knowing that today is 18th week that have not heard from Eric. We have however heard from two credit card companies denying his application, and received notices from bank in which they scold him for overdrawing his account over and over…and even a letter from Bank stating that they have been trying to contact him regarding his negative balance but can’t reach him…still hasn’t changed his address obviously…we have to laugh at times…like, if they DID approve him…uhm…they would mail the credit card to our house…how does he plan on calling and asking for it?

Since we already celebrated the holiday with my sister, brother in law, and the sweetest lil’one ever, we won’t be seeing them again until after the first of the year…so that is going to kinda be strange…did I mention they found out “IT’S A BOY!!”

Due to circumstances listed above and the complications that surround that, we will not be traveling to Ohio this year to be with Mike’s family…which actually we weren’t sure we would do again this year even if things weren’t how they are.

I look at friends and see all the happenings they have going on for the holidays…families getting together etc…and I am saddened that it is going to be only the two of us on Christmas Eve and we only have Mikey and Joey for Christmas Day this year based upon holiday schedules…

When walking into our house I feel the christmas cheer…many new decorations up…it really is cozy…but shortly after that I feel sad…sad that we are with one less child this year, sad that there are people out there who have no family and that I feel sorry for myself at times like this.

Our plan was to “adopt a family” this holiday season, but that came and went and so we hope to do so again next year…We have a few elderly in our area that I think are alone for the most part this season, I think I will take the boys out and they can help drop off some holiday goodies…let them know that we are thinking about them…because afterall isn’t that all what we really want…is just to feel special to someone?

My cheery outlook for this weekend WILL NOT BE RUINED!!!  I am determined not to let his ex-wife (aka mikeys mom) ruin this for any of us! But I do wish that she would stop being a self-centered, bitter, dictating bitch! But I guess old habits are hard to break!

Last night Mike talked to Mikey and he was so excited that we were going to be picking him up tonight. He loves the waterparks, and even more he loves his Uncle Bill,  Aunt Lori and ofcourse baby “skywalker” as he calls her. It was all set and as I packed all our things last night I was getting really excited…well, that was yesterday!

This morning Mike gets a message from the her saying that she doesn’t think it is a good idea for mikey to miss school on Friday and to pick him up around 1030…now, let me remind you that he is 4, and attends a private preschool (which we pay for) for 2 (TWO, DOS, ONE MORE THAN ONE) hours…really, it isn’t like we are taking him out a full day of grade school…(ok so we are taking Joey out all day, but as parents we have made that decision)…He asked if she was serious and said that we have already made arrangements based upon their agreement…she then pushed the buttons…”I am very serious, and MICHAEL isn’t an arrangement”…Ofcours when he then calls her she doesn’t answer her phone…instead she calls him when she gets to work so her co-workers can hear her call her ex husband..”the worst father ever.” and accuse him of “everything being always about (him) you”…and it wasn’t until she shouted out more lies and bitter words that he told her in so many words she is a nutcase…that she hung up on him.

My thought? He is a parent and has equal rights…let him go to school tomorrow and we can pick him up after 1 hour…let him be suprised to have his daddy come to his school…don’t let her dictate what you can and can’t do…but when I suggest this, things get heated because “that isn’t the point”.  I am aware of what the point it, however my point is the more he lets her do this, the more she will because he is giving her that power…

This isn’t the first time that she has done something like this…and I am sure that it won’t be the last. She doesn’t realize that she is also hurting her son…all she is trying to do is make it so that Mikey will get to the point of “taking or leaving” his father…

Going back to what I first said, “I WILL NOT LET ANYTHING RUIN OUR FUN”…whenever we pick up mikey we pick him up…but once we do “WE ARE OUTTA HERE!!” for a weekend of “fun in the sun”!!

Does anyone else have similar issues? do they get any better over time?

Four months ago today Eric walked out of our lives…trying to prove something to us…that he is mature, responsible and can take care of himself….he certainly has showed us…

we have received letters from the bank stating that his account has been overdrawn by nearly $200 for over a week…a letter offering condolences for not approving his credit card request…and lets not forget his cellphone bill that has not been paid in two months, that is approaching the $300 mark.

Yes, we do miss Eric and we do wish that he would have handled things differently…but what we don’t miss is the tension that is no longer in our home. Mike and I realize now that 99% of our arguments stemmed from Eric and his issues. It really was rough…and now for the first time in a long time we feel like the “old us”…we come home from work and talk and laugh and enjoy being home…for a while it wasn’t like that…we would come home and both be stressed, upset with issues revolving around Eric and either one of us didn’t want to say anything and start an argument so the anger festered or we would speak and just wasn’t a good situation.

We miss him. We want him back in our lives…the question is now, when will he make the attempt?

we have tried three times to contact him/reach out to him and he has stood us up for one meeting and never aknowledged the other efforts.  Both of us have been having terrible dreams at night about Eric and the person we fear he could turn into…what does that mean? Is someone trying to tell us something?

Friday we are taking the kids and heading up to the Dells! WOOHOO!

They are not the only ones excited! I am stoked! To me an indoor waterpark that has a ceiling that actually lets you get a tan while you are there is a perfect way to spend a cold snowy weekend!

The Millans are going to be joining us this weekend…bringing the total of 4 adults, and three wonderful chidren (5,7 & 18 months) in one hotel room! Ofcourse I will have my video camera on hand to record the fun…you know like when the resorts Elves come to our room , sing and give our children a gift! The look their faces is going to be priceless! Did I mention that they get to have breakfast with Santa? This will probably be Joeys last year to believe in Santa, and the first year Skylar will be able to walk up to him etc…In a blink of an eye our children grow so fast!

I am hoping for a great time this weekend, filled with laughter, nervous giggles as they go down a slide for the first time (not remembering how fun it was last year) and coming back with a TAN!

This will be our first time at the WILDERNESS RESORT…have you been there before? What did you think?

To my sister~

I know growing up we certainly had our issues. We had moments where we were able to laugh and talk and feel that “bond” but for the most part, we fought…a lot.

Over clothes.

Over friends.

Never over boys…two different tastes in that department!

Actually, we really had nothing in common.

I know there have been many times that I have acted childish. I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion and cause trouble when not necessary.

The day you got married I had a real eye opener. You gave me a card “to a special friend” and in it you wrote that you hoped someday we would be able to work on being sisters…It hurt. I cried…but I knew you were right.

I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for the past, but it can’t be changed. The past year and half I feel have been the best of our lives in regards to so many things. I feel closer to you know than I think I ever have…I am so proud of you for all that you have done in your life…a great mother and wife…and a great sister.

I love you Lor and am glad that we are sisters.

Ha, that is funny isn’t it?

To summarize last nights Dr. appt.

1. My nurse took my pulse THREE times…and reminded me that I have gained 25 lbs in 7 months…she agrees with me that is a lot! **plus**

2. The first thing my Doc did was take my pulse and then asked “do you feel like your heart is beating kinda fast?” My response? “uhm. I do now.” (it was at 86)

3. After talking to me for 15 minutes, which in Dr. time is FOREVER…she decided to up my current prescription of “happy beans” for the next 30 days and see how I feel…

4. She called to the lab which was closing in like 2 minutes to wait for my arrival for blood work…She I don’t think that made them happy because it felt like the end of the needle was going to go through my elbow she jabbed it in so damn hard…5 vials and a soaked bandaid later I was told to wait till monday for the results. What did they test for you ask? Well the only words I recall are “Liver and kidney functions” and “diabetes”…I think my heartrate was around 100 at that point!

5. The pharmacy notifies me that it will be $50 for prescription…Ok, “no thanks” and I left…less drugs.

6. This morning I called a crabby nurse (wonder if she had blood drawn yesterday too?) telling her that I would like a generic equivelant…well they finally switched meds to one that had a generic…which would only be $10/month…MUCH BETTER…But if I go through walgreens prescription plan, it would only be $60/year….so let me ask you this…Walgreens can sell 3 months for $10 and STILL MAKE MONEY…why does the insurance charge so much more, ONTOP of the premiums we pay?

Yes I know the answers, but I really don’t agree.

it is bad enough that we have to worry about keeping a job, food on our table, roof over our heads, providing for our children…let alone having to worry about not being able to afford a (perhaps) life altering medication…god help us.

cause damn it I am trying!

In two hours I will be sitting in the dr’s office rattling off all of the things that I am concerned about.

fatigue – check

depression- check

moodiness- check

inappropriate weight gain/difficulty losing ; check-check

itching – check

drinking 128 oz of water and only having to take a potty break once! – CHECK

More than likely they will tell me…”try harder. increase your exercise. come back in 6 weeks and yeah, bring us another copay!”

I am already feeling frustrated thinking about the outcome and I haven’t even left yet! I don’t want them to find something wrong, but at the same time…serisouly…I am looking at a list of 19  yes, 19 different symptoms that I HAVE…that I HAVE HAD for about the last year….all pointing to a thryoid issue.

NO, I am not blaming my “huskiness” on a disease…but if the shoe fits…do I have ALL the symptoms nope…thank god…but I am going to ask her about them…she may look at me, shake her head and think “another self-diagnosing-freak” but isn’t that why god gave us computers?

I think of “Y” from joyunexpected.com she had felt for a long time that there had to be something more to her weight gain than what they were telling her at the dr’s…she was right…after research and insisting on tests, they found her illness…she battles with it daily, and it seems she has come to terms with her weight, because it is out of her control…she is now trying to lose weight and is making it more of a personal challenge, rather than a necesiity to live a happy life.

You go Y!

175 people…that is what the scale tells me.

I am not one to say “you never tell your age or weight” because you know what, you are what you are. I could lie and tell people that I am only 145, but would they believe me? no. Just like if I told them I was 15 they would laugh.

Am I happy at 175…no…but I am doing what I can to fix it…Even my friend who I “gym it out with” tells me that until she saw the scale, she thought that there was no way in hell that I weighed 175…Mike bless his heart doesn’t believe me either….I carry the weight in my face and belly…my legs and arms are decent…but the damn belly!

So perhaps one day it will read 145…perhaps.

“What are  you thankful for?” 

I am thankful for the “unanswered prayers” if you will…every thing that has happened in my life good and bad has brought me down the path that I am today. A path that I walk hand in hand with an amazing husband, watching our children grow, learn and love the life around them.

I am thankful for the ability to have a roof over our heads while we sleep, food on our table when we are hungry and the love we have as a familiy to make memories that we will cherish forever.

I am also thankful for the not-so-good-days…the ones where I feel helpless, saddened, uncertainty of everyday obstacles, because it is these days that bring me back to reality and help me realize that there are people out there who have it much much worse than I, and at that given moment I am able to put things in perspective…embrace my life and be thankful that it is mine.

What are you thankful for?